Method for Improvement

I'm not sure where I picked this up, but I think it was likely several books and possibly a few research articles. The one that stands out in my mind is Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People. Some audio book I've listened to recently must have brought it again to my attention. If I run into anything I've read on this subject again I'll try to add a reference here, or you can add it in the comments section.

So here it is: any situation you have, you need to think through it ahead of time and answer the following questions.

Before:
B1. What outcome do I want to have from this (meeting, conversation, negotiation, etc.)?
B2. What will I do to cause this to be the outcome?

During the situation you need to ask yourself the following.

During:
D1. Are my actions causing my desired outcome to be more or less likely?
D2. What can I change now (in my approach, method, tactics, tone, mood, etc.) to make my desired outcome more likely?

Then after the situation ask yourself and answer the following.

After
A1. Did I get the outcome I desired?
A2. Why did I or why didn't I get the outcome I desired?
A3. What will I change next time I have a similar situation?

Carnegie suggests that a businessman he associated with stated that he reviewed his business and personal dealings every week. This weekly review was the single most important thing he did to bring about positive change in his businesses and life.

Here's the rub. If you don't go into a situation with an expected outcome, you have no measuring stick. How will you know if you did well or poorly? How will you know if you got what you expected? How will you know what to do in the future to avoid reliving bad outcomes and keep getting good ones?

Practical application: My 4 year old is not going to brush her teeth to get ready for bed.

Me: What would you rather have happen? You can complain here for ten minutes and not get a bedtime book, or you can quickly go brush your teeth and you might have time for two chapters of your bedtime book?
(Read: B1. Which outcome do you want? Extra book time. B2. What do you need to do to get it? Get ready for bed quickly. )

Child: Erg. Two chapters!

Me: Then why are you standing here complaining? That's not going to get you what you want! Go get your toothbrush!
(Read: D1. Are your actions (complaining) causing you to get your desired outcome? No. D2. What should you be doing to get your desired outcome? Quickly get your teeth brushed.)

Child: (runs to get toothbrush)

Me: Good Job! You got ready so fast we have some extra time for TWO WHOLE CHAPTERS tonight! You should do this every night!
(Read: A1. You got your desired outcome--two chapters. A2. You got your outcome (book chapters) because you got ready for bed quickly (action). A3. What will you do next time? You can have this every night if you just get ready for bed quickly instead of complaining.)

Simple. If you're having trouble remembering, notice that it's the same thing three times. 1. Outcome.
2. Action. It's that simple.

Now my 4 year old child is already savvy enough to know that sometimes she doesn't want to do the action that leads to the outcome. My only answer to this is "When you want it badly enough, you will do what you need to do to get the outcome." My old therapy mentor used to say, "Some people just aren't hurt badly enough to get better yet."

There was an old rat poison commercial where a lady saw a mouse and screamed, "I hate you!" Then a guy in a giant mouse/rat suit standing in her kitchen takes a bite out of some food and says, "Prove it."

You wanna lose weight? Quit smoking? Learn Spanish? Change careers? Open a business?...Prove it. 1. Outcome. 2. Action. It's that simple.

You Are the Hero of Your Own Story

There are two principles here:

1. You are the hero of your own story. No one else is going to slay the dragon for you. If they do, it was their dragon and their book; not yours. If you want to be successful, YOU have to go out and make that happen. Sure, you can get some help along the way. There can be (and should be) well developed supporting characters that help you on your adventure--even The Lone Ranger had Tonto (as Dave Ramsey sometimes says). But, in the end, as one of my patients used to say, "you are the hero of your own story." What is your story going to be about?

2. If you are the hero of your own story, that means everybody else is the hero of their own stories too. In case you didn't quite catch it, that means that the best you will ever be in someone else's book, is a strong supporting actor. The worst you will be is the antagonist. Don't be someone's antagonist unless it is because you are just being awesome and they are being lame. In other words don't intentionally be antagonistic. In any exchange between two or more people, there are two or more books being written. No matter how awesome you are (or how lame they are), the other person's book is about them. Your book is about you. The best possible outcome is that you are both each others' strong supporting actors, or at least a good cameo.

Dale Carnegie puts it this way, "Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems." (How to Win Friends & Influence People, Pocket Books paper back edition May 2010, p. 93)

In other words, it's not always about you...or is it? I guess in one book it always is about me...make it a good book!

Anyway, thanks for sharing this part of my book with me. Now it's a part of your book too. mwaa haa haa.